Remember How I saw you tonight?
Remember how you did not see me?
Remember how that shattered my heart?
Did you know that everything reminds me of you?
Did you know that when I’m with someone else, I am still always thinking of you?
Remember how pathetic that makes me?
Remember when we first met?
Remember how badly I wanted you?
Remember how long you led me on?
Did you know I would wait however long it took?
Did you know you could get away with playing me like a fool?
Remember how I let you?
Remember when you first held my hand on the piano bench?
Remember how you were sitting on that bench when you first said “I love you.”?
Remember how I shook my head and looked away?
Did you know you didn’t mean it?
Did you know you would soon make me fall deeper for you?
Remember how you let me fall?
Remember how you turned into a jerk?
Remember how you didn’t catch me when I fell for you the hardest?
Remember how you made me cry?
Did you know how much I depended on you?
Did you know how badly you would hurt me?
Remember how you took most of me?
Remember how you promised me we would always be friends?
Remember how you told me so many wonderful things?
Remember how they were all a lie?
Did you know I would stop believing you at one point?
Did you know that you broke my heart into trillions of pieces?
Remember how I still haven’t gotten all the pieces back?
Remember how I don’t want to remember you anymore?
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Grandpas Hands
When I think of my Grandpa, I see his hands.
Hands that were big, full of strength and love.
Hands that played football and caused mischief in his youth.
Hands that chopped wood for the fire place, hauled hay, raced horses and farmed.
Hands rested upon his stomach, fingers entwined in humble prayer.
Hands that planted many gardens; hands skilled with a hoe.
Hands that steered the four wheeler as we rode around aimlessly, my face buried in his back to hide from the wind.
Hands that drove and fixed machinery.
Hands old and weathered, showing signs of his hard work.
Hands that honored the Priesthood.
Hands that blessed me as an infant, Hands that confirmed me, Hands that were lain upon my head countless times; healing and comforting me.
Hands that gently milked a cow and groomed a horse I would soon ride.
Hands that caught a newborn colt and lovingly helped it stand.
Hands that skillfully fished and hunted
Hands that held the scriptures, still containing his scent, as he studied Heavenly Fathers word.
Hand that taught guided and trained.
Hands, though rough, soothed me when I cried. Even though I had often painted their nails ruby red, bubble gum pink, sky blue and many other colors after he had fallen asleep in his chair.
Hands, although weakened with age, were still able to ‘get the lid off.’
Hands that held tight to the remote as a selfish Granddaughter tried to take it away.
Hand that love her unconditionally.
Hands, now cold and lifeless, resting humbly on his chest. Fingers entwined as if in in prayer as I touch them for the last time before the lid closes.
Spirit hands, now shaking those of love ones missed.
Hands ready to do the Saviors work.
Hands that will be there to hold mine when we meet again.
When I think of my Grandpa,
I remember his hands.
2/14/2008
Hands that were big, full of strength and love.
Hands that played football and caused mischief in his youth.
Hands that chopped wood for the fire place, hauled hay, raced horses and farmed.
Hands rested upon his stomach, fingers entwined in humble prayer.
Hands that planted many gardens; hands skilled with a hoe.
Hands that steered the four wheeler as we rode around aimlessly, my face buried in his back to hide from the wind.
Hands that drove and fixed machinery.
Hands old and weathered, showing signs of his hard work.
Hands that honored the Priesthood.
Hands that blessed me as an infant, Hands that confirmed me, Hands that were lain upon my head countless times; healing and comforting me.
Hands that gently milked a cow and groomed a horse I would soon ride.
Hands that caught a newborn colt and lovingly helped it stand.
Hands that skillfully fished and hunted
Hands that held the scriptures, still containing his scent, as he studied Heavenly Fathers word.
Hand that taught guided and trained.
Hands, though rough, soothed me when I cried. Even though I had often painted their nails ruby red, bubble gum pink, sky blue and many other colors after he had fallen asleep in his chair.
Hands, although weakened with age, were still able to ‘get the lid off.’
Hands that held tight to the remote as a selfish Granddaughter tried to take it away.
Hand that love her unconditionally.
Hands, now cold and lifeless, resting humbly on his chest. Fingers entwined as if in in prayer as I touch them for the last time before the lid closes.
Spirit hands, now shaking those of love ones missed.
Hands ready to do the Saviors work.
Hands that will be there to hold mine when we meet again.
When I think of my Grandpa,
I remember his hands.
2/14/2008
Monday, February 23, 2009
One Last Kiss
They gazed into each others eyes, mesmerized, remembering all the times they had shared together--laughing and acting like crazy fools, how they could just lay together having deep intimate conversations or even just talking about nothing at all, thinking about the times they had helped each other cope and also when they had cried together. Just like they were now. They remembered the love they had shared, and the passion that almost drove them mad at times. The desire that was so tangible between them now. It's such a shame that a love like that must end, they were both devastated but knew it had to happen. He longed for her to fall into his arms, her hair brushing against his chin as she rested her perfect head on his chest. She wished he could gather her into his strong embrace and kiss her tears away as she clung to him, making everything ok again.
“I have to go.” She whispered and started to walk away. “ Wait.” He called out, reaching to take her hand, sending chills up her arm. “Please. Don’t go. Not yet.” She made the mistake of looking into his eyes, they captivated her, she was lost inside that stare. “Ok.” She whispered. He pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her. She leaned closer breathing in his scent, the smell she had become so accustomed to. She would recognize it above any other smell. It’s the one that calmed her, the one she never wanted to forget.
They stood there holding each other, soaking in everything about one another, hoping to never forget a single detail. Her resolve was breaking and she knew she would have to leave now before he broke down her defenses. Once again, she pulled away. As she turned to go she hoped he wouldn’t try to stop her again, but at the same time she silently wished he would. He fulfilled her wishes, just as he always had. “Please, just one more thing..” He said with so much emotion in his voice her broken heart almost shattered. She stopped walking but didn’t turn around. She heard him walking towards her, the soft wind caught the his fragrance and carried it to her, intoxicating her senses before he even reached her. Her body started to tremble as she felt him stand behind her, his comforting aura was overpowering. He reached out and placed one hand on her shoulder, slowly running it down her arm, leaving goose bumps in its wake.
The tears started to fall faster and thicker down her face as he said “ Only one more thing, just one more.” She could hear the desperation in his voice. “What?” She asked. The word was all she could get out, it was barely audible. “One last kiss.” He whispered as he turned her around to face him, holding both of her hands.
A gust of warm summer air wrapped itself around them, the vines of the willow tree they stood under swayed, dancing in the air. They were remembering all of the kisses they had ever shared. From the first awkward, embarrassing kiss to all of the playful, tender, teasing and passionate ones.
His hand let go of hers, traveled back up her arm and along her neck, caressing the side of her face. She loved the way his cool hand felt on her hot tear soaked cheek and closed her eyes, leaning into it, wishing that he could be this guy; the sweet, caring one that was hidden inside of him, all the time instead of only when he knew he had to be.
He pulled her closer with his other hand and she fell against him, completely melting into him. One of his arms slid around the back of her waist holding her tight while he moved his other hand into her hair, cradling the back of her head. He tilted her head up and started leaning in, his lips so close she could feel his sweet breath on her face. She wanted this now more than anything--a simple goodbye kiss. She hesitated and shied away, afraid the kiss wouldn’t be as simple as it should. Nothing was ever simple between them.
Their foreheads rested against each other as they stood there clinging to one another. She felt his tears fall onto her face and slowly slide down her cheeks mingling with her own. They moved forward at the same time, their lips forming together so perfectly. What was meant to be a short tender goodbye kiss turned into an impassioned, sorrow-filled kiss of loss. It was long and slow, each trying to savor the taste of lips they’d never kiss again. Their tongues danced together as more tears fell.
They broke away at the same time gasping for air and he whispered “I love you” into her hair. “Always and forever, infinity times ten.” She whispered back into his neck as they held each other for the last time. They stood there, on that hot summer day, under the willow tree knowing it was right, but wishing it didn’t have to happen.
She let out a long heavy sigh and they said goodbye. She didn’t look into his eyes again as she went to walk away this time, and he didn’t try to stop her. She was just going around the corner of a building when she glanced back and saw him there, leaning against the willow tree, sobs shaking his body while the tree wrapped her slender vines around him, taking the place of her arms.
She continued on around the corner, and slid down the wall of the old gym. “What have you done?” she asked herself as she pulled her knees into her chest, wrapped her arms around them and cried, the memory of their last kiss engraved in her memory.
“I have to go.” She whispered and started to walk away. “ Wait.” He called out, reaching to take her hand, sending chills up her arm. “Please. Don’t go. Not yet.” She made the mistake of looking into his eyes, they captivated her, she was lost inside that stare. “Ok.” She whispered. He pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her. She leaned closer breathing in his scent, the smell she had become so accustomed to. She would recognize it above any other smell. It’s the one that calmed her, the one she never wanted to forget.
They stood there holding each other, soaking in everything about one another, hoping to never forget a single detail. Her resolve was breaking and she knew she would have to leave now before he broke down her defenses. Once again, she pulled away. As she turned to go she hoped he wouldn’t try to stop her again, but at the same time she silently wished he would. He fulfilled her wishes, just as he always had. “Please, just one more thing..” He said with so much emotion in his voice her broken heart almost shattered. She stopped walking but didn’t turn around. She heard him walking towards her, the soft wind caught the his fragrance and carried it to her, intoxicating her senses before he even reached her. Her body started to tremble as she felt him stand behind her, his comforting aura was overpowering. He reached out and placed one hand on her shoulder, slowly running it down her arm, leaving goose bumps in its wake.
The tears started to fall faster and thicker down her face as he said “ Only one more thing, just one more.” She could hear the desperation in his voice. “What?” She asked. The word was all she could get out, it was barely audible. “One last kiss.” He whispered as he turned her around to face him, holding both of her hands.
A gust of warm summer air wrapped itself around them, the vines of the willow tree they stood under swayed, dancing in the air. They were remembering all of the kisses they had ever shared. From the first awkward, embarrassing kiss to all of the playful, tender, teasing and passionate ones.
His hand let go of hers, traveled back up her arm and along her neck, caressing the side of her face. She loved the way his cool hand felt on her hot tear soaked cheek and closed her eyes, leaning into it, wishing that he could be this guy; the sweet, caring one that was hidden inside of him, all the time instead of only when he knew he had to be.
He pulled her closer with his other hand and she fell against him, completely melting into him. One of his arms slid around the back of her waist holding her tight while he moved his other hand into her hair, cradling the back of her head. He tilted her head up and started leaning in, his lips so close she could feel his sweet breath on her face. She wanted this now more than anything--a simple goodbye kiss. She hesitated and shied away, afraid the kiss wouldn’t be as simple as it should. Nothing was ever simple between them.
Their foreheads rested against each other as they stood there clinging to one another. She felt his tears fall onto her face and slowly slide down her cheeks mingling with her own. They moved forward at the same time, their lips forming together so perfectly. What was meant to be a short tender goodbye kiss turned into an impassioned, sorrow-filled kiss of loss. It was long and slow, each trying to savor the taste of lips they’d never kiss again. Their tongues danced together as more tears fell.
They broke away at the same time gasping for air and he whispered “I love you” into her hair. “Always and forever, infinity times ten.” She whispered back into his neck as they held each other for the last time. They stood there, on that hot summer day, under the willow tree knowing it was right, but wishing it didn’t have to happen.
She let out a long heavy sigh and they said goodbye. She didn’t look into his eyes again as she went to walk away this time, and he didn’t try to stop her. She was just going around the corner of a building when she glanced back and saw him there, leaning against the willow tree, sobs shaking his body while the tree wrapped her slender vines around him, taking the place of her arms.
She continued on around the corner, and slid down the wall of the old gym. “What have you done?” she asked herself as she pulled her knees into her chest, wrapped her arms around them and cried, the memory of their last kiss engraved in her memory.
Passages From The Book Broken For You
Her breathing slowed. She checked in with her heart. She could picture it in there, in its calcified condition, encased in the bodice of her dress. Maybe it hung suspended, caught in something that had once been liquid—like a woolly mammoth in ice, or a dragonfly in amber. Or maybe it bore fossilized impressions. If someone were to autopsy her heart, they’d find traces of life, evidence of eons gone by. Times when she’d been able to feel and the feelings left imprints. Maybe her heart was wearing a cast. Maybe it wasn’t sclerosed at all but atrophied, shrunken, and the cast enclosing it was scribbled over with stories written in a dead language. She checked further. Was there any softness left in there? Any spot that was still unfired, unformed, unglazed? Was there access? Entry? A place still open to impression? No. Her heart was finished. It bore, perhaps, records of life, but it wasn’t alive. Too late for decoration. Too late for effects. Further handling could only result in cracks and fractures. People could cut themselves on the edges of her heart, she was sure of it… she was a hazard to the living. Her intimacies would be with objects, memories, and dreams. She’d hold in her heart only the missing and the dead.
The broken are not always gathered together, of course, and not all mysteries of the flesh are solved. We speak of “ senseless tragedies” but really: Is there any other kind? Mothers and wives disappear without a trace. Children are killed. Madmen ravage the world, leaving wounds immeasurably deep and endlessly mourned. Loved ones whose presence once filled us move into the distance; our eyes follow them as long as possible as they recede from view. Maybe we chase them-- clumsily, across railroad tracks and trafficked streets; over roads new-printed with their footsteps, the dust still whirling in the wake of them; through impossibly big cities peopled with strangers whose faces and bodies carry fragments of their faces and bodies, whose laughter, steadiness, pluck, stubbornness remind us of the beloved we seek. Maybe we stay put, left behind, and look for them in our dreams. But we never stop looking, not even after those we love become part of the unreachable horizon. We can never stop carrying the heavy weight of love on this pilgrimage; we can only transfigure what we carry. We can only shatter it and send it whirling into the world so that it can take shape in some new way.
The broken are not always gathered together, of course, and not all mysteries of the flesh are solved. We speak of “ senseless tragedies” but really: Is there any other kind? Mothers and wives disappear without a trace. Children are killed. Madmen ravage the world, leaving wounds immeasurably deep and endlessly mourned. Loved ones whose presence once filled us move into the distance; our eyes follow them as long as possible as they recede from view. Maybe we chase them-- clumsily, across railroad tracks and trafficked streets; over roads new-printed with their footsteps, the dust still whirling in the wake of them; through impossibly big cities peopled with strangers whose faces and bodies carry fragments of their faces and bodies, whose laughter, steadiness, pluck, stubbornness remind us of the beloved we seek. Maybe we stay put, left behind, and look for them in our dreams. But we never stop looking, not even after those we love become part of the unreachable horizon. We can never stop carrying the heavy weight of love on this pilgrimage; we can only transfigure what we carry. We can only shatter it and send it whirling into the world so that it can take shape in some new way.
All Alone
Its dark out there, dark and cold.
You’re all alone.
Its scary out there, scary and cold.
You’re all alone.
Its brutal out there, brutal and cold.
You’re all alone.
The street flights flicker, the ground is hard. Buildings are silhouetted against the dark blue sky. Alley ways hold the mysterious and unknown. You wander around aimlessly, leaving behind the life you don’t want.Lost and alone wondering where to go and if anyone even cares.
You’re afraid.Its not safe out there.
Its not safe and its cold.
You, You are all alone.
You’re all alone.
Its scary out there, scary and cold.
You’re all alone.
Its brutal out there, brutal and cold.
You’re all alone.
The street flights flicker, the ground is hard. Buildings are silhouetted against the dark blue sky. Alley ways hold the mysterious and unknown. You wander around aimlessly, leaving behind the life you don’t want.Lost and alone wondering where to go and if anyone even cares.
You’re afraid.Its not safe out there.
Its not safe and its cold.
You, You are all alone.
To Love Again
Just as I learned how to be together
I can learn to be alone.
Just as I learned to be open
I can learn to keep to myself.
Just as I learned to trust
I can learn to doubt.
Just as I learned to love
I can learn to unlove.
And maybe someday I’ll meet the one who will teach me that...
Just as I learned to be alone
I can learn to be together.
Just as I learned to keep to myself
I can learn to be open.
Just as I learned to doubt
I can learn to trust.
Just as I learned to unlove
I can learn to love again.
I can learn to be alone.
Just as I learned to be open
I can learn to keep to myself.
Just as I learned to trust
I can learn to doubt.
Just as I learned to love
I can learn to unlove.
And maybe someday I’ll meet the one who will teach me that...
Just as I learned to be alone
I can learn to be together.
Just as I learned to keep to myself
I can learn to be open.
Just as I learned to doubt
I can learn to trust.
Just as I learned to unlove
I can learn to love again.
He's So Beautiful It Breaks My Heart
Lost in this cloud of confusion and doubt
Underestimating myself at every turn
For a way to figure this all out;
The yearning in me is starting to burn.
I want you to see me, notice me please
.In my mind you’re a fatal disease.
Taking my hand, would it be so hard?
I’m afraid, for I’ve never been dealt a winning a card.
I’ll pretend I don’t care; it’s what I do best
.I can ignore this aching pain deep within my chest.
I won’t say a word as I watch you walk away.
And yet, you don’t have to go, fulfill my wish.
Just Stay
Underestimating myself at every turn
For a way to figure this all out;
The yearning in me is starting to burn.
I want you to see me, notice me please
.In my mind you’re a fatal disease.
Taking my hand, would it be so hard?
I’m afraid, for I’ve never been dealt a winning a card.
I’ll pretend I don’t care; it’s what I do best
.I can ignore this aching pain deep within my chest.
I won’t say a word as I watch you walk away.
And yet, you don’t have to go, fulfill my wish.
Just Stay
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